It is quite safe to say I haven’t repurposed anything lately, except my patience! Two-time mom, double-time parents. Such an exhausting stage, omg did I say exhausting?! I mean exciting!* 😉
Ever since Oliver has blessed us with his presence, Robert and I just decided we’re going to be tired until we’re just not tired anymore. That’s what we are telling ourselves to overcome the mental exhaustion, the physical exhaustion…well it takes a little more talking up in the mornings or late nights. We are each more willing to wake up in the middle of the night or the crack of dawn at the cry of one of our children if…the other wakes up to do something to. It’s a team effort.
Robert cracked a joke after speaking with his colleagues about how “he said that he didn’t wake up in the middle of the night to help change the baby or feed the baby.” “Oh is that right?? He didn’t wake up???” The snarky voice in my head. Anyway, so I tried. I’ve been trying, especially now after his first day back at work. I’ve tried the last 2 nights to get up myself without his encouraging diaper change before I fed baby. I will say though, this time around we both fell into our new roles quickly. We’ve learned to communicate better, in my case, more kindly and much clearer…before the bomb of overwhelm. We are such a great team.
However, it’s no secret that when it comes to thinking ahead and being prepared, we offset each other. I’d say I’m the leader in efficiency and convenience. He’s the leader of fun. Keeping us reminded of our goals to get out of the house, remind us it’s okay to waste a little time and be later than usual, and that it’s okay to spend some fun money here and there. Budgeting with two kids is no joke now. Not that it was much of a joke before, but his salary was taking care of us pretty well with just one kid when we first move here to Arizona. Now, while we’re still getting tons of help from family (blessed and grateful), we’re starting to feel the heat of two kids, financially.
Oliver is amazing. He’s blessed us with such a brand new, beautiful dynamic. So much so that I felt brand spankin’ new to the newborn phase. I had forgotten just about everything, like Olivia wasn’t even a newborn. All I felt confident in was what I had recently learned in my Montessori education, but totally foreign to the actions in.
What’s that? You’re curious if I’m still in school? I decided to ask for a LOA. Luckily, it’s in our contract and being pregnant is one of the excuses you can make, I mean options you can take. Heh, sense some regret or resentment of self in there? Okay, JUST A LITTLE. I’m actually now at total peace and happy with my decision, I just worry that I won’t complete it. Mainly because I haven’t seemed to totally unpack the trauma behind starting something and not finishing it. I’ve been told all my life that I’ve started many things and not finished them, it’s engrained in my mind to be the worst thing anyone could ever do. Start making a sandwich and forgetting…starting school 9 different times at like 9 different schools and never complete a class.
I see jack of all trades, master of none in a totally different light now though. It’s 2021, entrepreneurship and the odd ones out all these years are making their appearance. We are being constantly reminded that the degree, years of education or years of slaving, I mean working at one career don’t always have our best interest in mind. That being quality of life. I started many things, I was adventurous while still selective, I explore different areas, wasn’t afraid to meet new people and always pushed my hardest at everything I did. During that I was able to quickly discover my weaknesses and also often practice my strengths. Starting and not finishing the things that I discovered didn’t interest me provided me with more experience to start and finish things that I came to enjoy and later succeed in.
I’m quite positive my risk taking came from two things: rebellion towards my mother & grandmother’s need to overprotect and shield me from things I would have been better off experiencing and my dad’s encouragement to try things, but also stay consistent with them. He taught me both that I had the choice to do and try anything I ever wanted, but also that work ethic and consistency will bring me success. From my over protected relationships I wanted to prove otherwise and from my encouraged I wanted to take risks. There were many years where I lacked logic in much of my risk taking, but recently logic and the unpacking of my traumas have allowed me to take more calculated, long term risks and apply my work ethic and consistency to succeed. The biggest difference from then to now is that now, I’m not so obsessed with the end result, with where I want to be. I’m obsessed and committed to the work and the adventure that it takes to sway the current the way I want it to go. My mind is wired for the effort, not the solution or the result.
Thanks for hanging with me, I hope you felt that intensity and drive to get out what I needed to. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to dump like this, specifically articulate exactly what I want to. I’d like to say I’m back, but I’m more confident in saying that I’m making my way back and I will harness my confidence in any way I can.
Basically, I wanted to share that since our move, specifically since knowing we were moving and packing up, I’ve felt so disconnected from the projects I had started, the little things I want to put together to share life with all of you. I haven’t started any new or finished any old repurposing projects because they’re all still in storage in CA. I haven’t been able to share more on motherhood because I haven’t been able to articulate and put my thoughts together on video, through text or even in person how I’ve been evolving or what I’ve been experiencing. Since living at my mom’s we don’t have much of our own space to decorate or make ours while we fit 3 bedrooms into 2 plus try to maintain our own lifestyle. I know it sounds like I’m complaining, it does to me a little, but really I’m just trying get a mental handle on it all and reach back to the drive and intensity I had before. Thanks for being here anyway, for real.
I’m making my way back and I’m so excited for you to be here.