July Anxieties Day 23

Have you ever not gone looking for something that you knew you were going to need later and you possibly knew where it was, but didn’t decide to go get it until you truly needed it and then when you did go looking for it, didn’t actually know where it was but you kind of did, so when you found it you were like, “Oh yeah! That’s right.”?

My camera. I had been looking for it forever, like 8 days. Really, for 8 days I was avoiding the creativity I knew I wanted to exert, knowing that I would be able to do it if I just put any effort. You know, any effort like the kind of effort to look for the camera that I found ALMOST instantly because I knew where it was? That little effort I couldn’t do for 8 days because…well, for a few reasons, not in any particular order. I smoked, instantly less productive, then I sulked in my feelings about not being able to quit smoking after I had such a good run and started this month off strong. Then I got worried because I knew I needed some clear headed days before classes start to get myself in order. I was in my own head, I was just downright lazy, I chose to sit on the couch and binge watch Gery’s Anatomy rather then get up and do a lot of things that could have been done, then I felt guilty about that, then I felt guilty about feeling guilty because mom’s need breaks too. My physical body was telling me I was exhausted, I’ve been telling Robert that I’m exhausted for 8 days. My mind was so busy I could only hear the loud ugly stuff rather than the peaceful quiet and calm that I experience when I do things that I love.

I hope this is all making sense here.

Anyway, I found my camera. Today has been productive.

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