Hey hiiii, I thought about a lot today and I feel super content. I feel like glass totally full, fulfilled, super happy, filled with great vibes. Speaking of vibes, I was totally vibin’ with myself on our drive back from Morgan Hill. We had left the house at 9 am and ventured to my favorite hike. Three-quarters of the way in all these signs read “Day use by reservation only”. OK, so I saw like three of those and still. kept. driving.
PAUSE *light bulb* I didn’t turn around. What? Might not seem huge but this was the second choice that I made today that reminded me that this internal work I’ve been dedicating so much time on, was in fact, working. A less confident, less dedicated or motivated me would have turned around at sight of the first sign. Instead, without any additional thought, I told myself, “We’ll just enjoy the drive there, that was our plan anyway, if we get turned down, we get turned down and we’ll enjoy the drive back.”
Cool, cool cool. But the initial first choice presented to me [which totally swayed my day away from the super glue of anxiety & depression] was simply to say YES to myself. Say YES to my heart asking me, “Can we see the world today, like really see it?” YES. Yes, we can.
OK, so we couldn’t see it the way we planned but that is beauty number three. Right after telling myself to just enjoy the ride, I was able to LET GO of worries. Did I pack enough? Did I even pack the right stuff? What if something happens and I have no service? All legit thoughts that ran through my head to intimidate me from taking solo adventures with my daughter. YES! Again, yes. Yes we packed enough. Yes we packed the minimal amount of the important stuff. OK, so I forgot the sunscreen, we might not even be able to hike anymore so I will remember it next time. WE WILL BE OKAY! I am prepared and I am intelligent enough to deal with the situation head on if it arises and when it arises. CHILL.
I could have driven home then, but I chose to keep driving, unsure of where to. Mindlessly driving, we ended up in the most familiar part of San Jose and ended up at a park. Not just any park, but the most soccer games I’ve ever played happened here. Games, tournaments, wins and losses. I loved this place and now I get to bring my daughter here to people watch, walk, discover grass, wildflowers and bees! It was beautiful. Beauty number 4 was the ability to release insecurities.
I grabbed what we needed from the car and walked carelessly into the park. Pushing Olivia’s stroller as if we were in a race car. It wasn’t until we were leaving, I realized that I had gone that whole time fully there, in the moment with my daughter. Not worrying about what other mom’s thought of me. Something I definitely would have done considering how ill prepared I could seem to others with our small receiving blanket that barely would fit the 2 of us. But I had an avocado, a spoon and a knife to get it open and we ate, we laughed. I had my new sunglasses which I remembered midway and threw them on. Olivia loved them, she could see her reflection and really enjoys the word in Spanish, reflejo. So she giggled every time I’d ask her if she saw here reflection and she’d tap the glasses.
You know that confidence that sunglasses give you? Like you’re invisible but if you’re there and you need to be there you’re stylish no matter even if you’re wearing avocado all over your workout pants and left the house with a nipple revealing tank top thinking you’d be isolated in nature right now instead of at a public park with lots of strangers. I DIDN’T CARE THOUGH. I was free, I was just there, with Olivia, smiling and waving at strangers, laughing, helping her learn to walk.
Not worrying if someone were to try to steal my bag or cell phone, that other mom’s are judging me for how I’m dressed, how tired I look, how little it seems I prepared to be here. I knew no one was paying attention to me. I wasn’t intricately paying attention to them and that was another absolutely beautiful moment today.