Catching Up While Stained With Spit Up

IMG_3585Hi, hey! Attempting to re-welcome myself into the blogging world, that is if I can get my brand-new mama brain to muster any words together. Slow clap for getting that one sentence out…Bringing a new life into this universe very obviously shifts your entire world to one that you are constantly trying to catch up with. Well, that’s how I felt even while pregnant and now that baby has arrived.

If you’re like me then you have some habits to kick. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are all bad habits and need to be cut out completely, but maybe cut down. I’m officially in my second month of parenting. Finally feeling like I have the responsibility of caring and nurturing another life down that I can now start to shift focus to myself. This includes my own personal recovery (physically & mentally), illuminating my goals, and of course, rewarding myself for good behavior and best efforts. While it sounds like 3 simple things to do, I have to look back to when I found out I was pregnant. As I mentioned, life takes a huge turn with that news especially for a new mom. I found myself making lists of things that I personally felt I needed to change before my baby arrived. I worried about if I would be able to complete these goals “in time”, if I would be a good mother while trying to balance work and these extremities. I was struggling to complete any of the life changes I felt so pressured to do within the 7 months that I knew I was pregnant.

Of that long list of realistic goals with an unrealistic time frame, I was able to accomplish 2 things that I can say I am very proud of. One was remembering that work and my career weren’t the most important thing, that being a boss lady didn’t have to entail obsessing over and drowning in my job, also understanding that I was the only one causing myself to feel overwhelmed by stretching myself too thin. The second was letting go of limiting myself and my accomplishments to a certain time frame or rate of capability.

After spending years obsessing over my career and letting my work consume me, a month right before maternity leave I was able to LET GO. I was able to worry less about work, while still doing my job to the best of my ability. I was able to worry more about myself and remember the things and people that made me happy. Although it was within the last month of being pregnant, I was able to change my mindset completely. I literally chose to just BE HAPPY. It happened over night. For years I had let my anxiety dictate the amount of time I had to accomplish something. I literally felt, and Robert will always tease me about this, that my day ended at noon. Depression and anxiety are crippling. Days that I had off I would want to sleep in after having a long work day, but then stressed out when I woke up and it was like 10 am! There were only 2 hours in the day before the day was over and went by so fast before it was dinner time and time to sleep again. It sounds ridiculous, believe me, I KNOW. Then I’d be so stressed out wanting to relax, watch TV and lounge, that by the time I was done with that it was like 7 pm and I literally cried that I had done nothing productive ALL DAY instead of just counting self care and recuperation as personal production.

What gave me this mindset? (Because it was just a mindset – remember when I told you it literally took me overnight to be happy again…) Well it was personal pressure, parental pressure, pressure of not going to school and feeling like I had to work hard to make a name for myself. Anyway, that all is a longer story for later.

Now

This month of October I chose to cut out 2 habits.

Like I said though, they aren’t always bad habits and maybe they don’t need to be cut out completely forever and burned in the back of your memory. Maybe you just need a break to refresh and see what else is out there for you.

Where am I now? Really only 4 days in to kicking these habits, but just how I chose to be happy… I mapped out my goals and my mindset was shifted. It’s crazy, the years riding the emotional roller coaster came to a screeching halt [more like slow because some change is gradual lol] all because I finally felt empowered enough to just say, “I’m going to do this and I will feel this way.” I then slept and woke up and just did it. I want to share my story for one main thing, accountability. Saying it out loud, telling my family and friends, and sharing on social media helps hold me accountable. Has helped me create a support system around me. Whether or anyone actually reached out to follow up with me, I know that I’ve told them and I don’t want to let them down. My goals then are their goals for me.

I guess you could say parenting changed me. That knowing I was going to bring a life into this world inspired me to change. Or how I had looked at it when I was being cynical at the beginning of all this was, “I can’t believe it took getting pregnant to inspire me to be a better me for me, I waited until I had to be a better me for me to be a better me for someone else.” Shit…I hope you get that.

I haven’t yet returned to work. Even when I do I’m not sure I’ll go back full time. Why not? Because although I know now that I can handle it and balance myself, work, and family now…I just don’t think that’s what makes me happy anymore. In fact, I have ALWAYS known that I’d want to change careers.

What do I feel my purpose is in this world? To help people. To inspire, not just motivate. To help change lives, to help change the world one person at a time. I want to be a part of our youngest generations to come and teach morale, the choice between good and bad. If I can help eliminate the years that I took moping in my self doubt from their lives, then hey, that satisfies my heart and mind.

So what actually are my goals?

Physically

After playing sports all my life it took a huge toll on my body to go completely still for 2 years. Trying to bounce back this year has been rough and demotivating. I’ve started a few times and quit a few times already just because I wasn’t as flexible, fast or strong enough as I was before. That’s my own fault, but now I’m taking initiative and winning back my physical health! While I’m only 6 weeks postpartum, my goal is not to lose weight. My goal is to feel good and add some type of workout back into my routine.

So I chose to find a program and community that will support me and hold me accountable aside from just telling my family and friends. Did I have to pay for this program? YES, why did I pay for this program? Because I’ve tried to do it on my own and I didn’t. This time I knew I needed a little extra support, inspiration and accountability. And shit, if spending money on something will make me more accountable to use it then…that’s just the way I’m gonna do it. It’s day 4 and I couldn’t be happier with the resources that are provided and how I can do it all from home comfortably. Getting to the gym right now is just not where I’m at, but I’m positive starting here will give me the confidence and drive to go back. Cause…I’m for sure not buying a treadmill or bench set for my house lol.

Mentally

There is a lot of fear to overcome in my mind. Fear of what other’s will think, fear of having already ridden this rollercoaster and announced my previous healing journey to the public, the fear of already asking for help and falling back into bad habits, a pit of darkness, and not actually making any noticeable changes. I started to kind of feel like the girl who cried wolf. I’ve realized that being physically fit is a huge part of who I am, 95% of where I obtain my confidence in myself. That’s why fitness is really my goal #1.

I want to be mentally clear. In order to do that I have to rid myself of any habits that are emotionally taxing. Anything that was clouding my mind from the value I have. I’ve always been emotional, but emotionally strong. I’m a cryer cause that’s how I express myself, but usually when I was struggling with something I knew it always came down to me and if I would make that choice. The catch here is that, most of us will make that choice to change, but struggle then to keep up with it. Maintaining a decision is easy to speak, but living by it daily when you don’t feel strong enough or don’t feel it’s as easy as it was before is tough. You do really great for a short period of time and then BAM forget where you’re headed.

This time around, I won’t forget me. I’ll put me first and keep myself in the light ahead. I won’t forget what drives me, what makes me happy and the little things incorporated in my life that keep me going. I’ll smile everyday for genuine reasons and I won’t let the fear of striking out get in my way.

Financially

Realistically we all have to make money somehow. Or if you have a way of staying at home without having to work, then HELL YEAH – power to ya. That’s just not me, well the being at home mom thing for sure could be me, but not making my own money just isn’t my gig. I will always want to provide for myself and my family, even if it’s not as much as my partner.

I’ve always been a go-getter when it came to finances. Since I was like 12 and got my first cell phone and ran up my first bill a few hundreds of dollars….my parents had me pay for the bill. When chores and grades are just responsibilities that you can’t get paid for, seriously, how was I going to make money? Until I could actually get a real job, I had to hustle dude! I took up volunteering hours at my mom’s business, I helped sell my grandma’s crafts, I repaired/upgraded my old clothing and sold it. I really wanted a phone…

In the last couple years I forgot that you can turn your own passions into monetary reward. I still am not really sure if I’m going to be successful, but I’m sure as hell going to try. My goal is to take this time to channel my creativity and put myself to work with things I just enjoy doing.

I like to declutter, organize and have garage sales. One of my financial goals is to turn this hobby into a business. Let’s start there for now. So, if you know anyone in Bay Area that has trouble letting go of all their treasures, TELL THEM ABOUT ME. I won’t just go in there and clean house, cause that’s not what it’s about. I can help you figure out if you really need it, if you don’t let’s put a price on it or donate. I’ll help organize, redecorate and with my own truck haul the junk out. I’ll even help you scrub your house clean after.

All in all, there are daily successes and daily failures. Most of the diaper changes I do I’ve managed to time totally incorrectly. I’ve caught shit with a wipe before disaster, I’ve had watery shit fly at my shirt, I’ve even gotten it all over my fingers and Olivia’s fingers. Through all this though, I feel like I’m finally catching up with my inner self…All while staining every piece of clothing I own with Olivia’s spit up.

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