This has been an incredible journey. Talk about embracing change. An unreal feeling fully overcomes you. When you discover you’re brewing a child, the first time you experience your body changing, the first time you accept the change, the first photo you take of your bare transformed body, and every moment in between and thereafter.
I’ve been completely, happily overwhelmed for the last 7 months. In fact, I haven’t been able to write a single word about this whole experience until now…month 9, 39 weeks – 5 days in. I’m 3 days away from my supposed due date.
All of my life I’ve battled with the thought of infertility. When I was just 6 weeks old I had ovarian surgery out of anyone’s control. Growing up tested by doctors, some told me nothing in the reproductive center of my body was affected, others always treaded lightly to tell me that there was still a possibility of infertility. Of course, it was much easier to grasp to the idea of not being able to reproduce. I was always unsure to what extent they meant… Did it mean my body could still engage in the functions? Did it mean a surrogate or adoption was my only choice?
There was a point in my life, quite young, early teens, when I had decided that I would adopt. I’d have a big family and I would take in children from America because there were so many left unloved, uncared for and many American’s looking to adopt bring a child from another country. Although, my argument did not always prove valid. I understand that systems outside of America are much more dangerous and much worse for children to stay in, but I’ve always stuck with my decision.
Where does denial come in? Of course, these doctors telling me back and forth what I could and wouldn’t be able to do…my main fault in denial was knowing that I could cling onto the fact that I COULD reproduce. That my body had healed, that I WAS capable of this beautiful journey that women are blessed to experience. However, I chose to hear, to believe the safer thought like some of those doctors. I chose to believe, all my life, that I most likely couldn’t have kids. When I felt it important to say in a relationship, in a friendship, in a conversation where ‘my future and my kids’ came up, I’d bring up how I most likely couldn’t have kids. Recipients of that news turned supportive, “Don’t listen to those doctors, anything is possible. Your body is meant to reproduce, it will find a way.”
Well, I’m pregnant. 9 months – 39 weeks, 6 days. My denial now is in thinking that the impossible wasn’t possible, when all my life I too have always told people to believe in the impossible. I felt terrible in doubting myself. That I had chosen the more negative path to cling on too because it was EASIER. Some supporters ask me if I’m going to sue the doctors that told me I couldn’t, of course not. It was never, “You will never have kids” it was always, “There is a possibility you may not be able to reproduce naturally.” I am thankful, which caused more denial, that each doctor I’d ask a percentage…wouldn’t give me an answer in that form. There was caution in how they answered, as my situation could easily go one way or the other.
As you can imagine, I was surprised. Not only due to my above situation, or being pregnant in general, but that I had skipped over a very obvious fact…I’ve had multiple, multiple doctors over the years, including OBGYN’s…None of them ever enlightened me with the fact that if I had been experiencing ‘puberty’ aka my menstrual cycle naturally all of these years, than my ovaries must be working. From Google, “They produce the hormones, including estrogen, that trigger menstruation. The ovaries release an egg (oocyte) at the midway point of each menstrual cycle. Usually, only a single oocyte from one ovary is released during each menstrual cycle, with each ovary taking an alternate turn in releasing an egg.” Did I want to sue the doctors now?! Maybe…but for what? Would that bring all these years of doubt back? Would that cure the denial I was in for so many years? NO. I was fine, truly. I was blessed, I was happy, this was my moment to live and let go.
SURPRISE! I was pregnant!!!! We were pregnant!!! I’ll never forget the day Robert and I found out. It was my 26th birthday. 2 1/2 years together and we were constantly in the honeymoon stage no matter how many arguments we got into. Most, all 3 of the arguments were raised by myself due to the fact that we never argue, the drama queen-previously abused, cheated on, used to toxins, in me needed some type of hype on occasion. I quickly got over that phase. I had been feeling off for about 2 months.
In November I thought it was the flu, I was exhausted, I was faint, I was thirsty, and nauseous but very lightly. You’d think I’d know my body, yeah yeah. This was different. I was over worked in a new job, I thought it was stress and fatigue. I overlooked it.
December came around, Christmas was rather uneventful. I didn’t go anywhere, I spent one day with the family if I recall correctly and the rest I spent in bed, locked in my room sleeping and watching TV shows that helped me drown out life.
January 3, my 26th birthday. We had the day off together, the first thing I told Robert was that we absolutely needed to get a pregnancy test. There was no doubt in my mind at that point this was it, none of my episodes had ever lasted this long. Barely managing though, I played it cool for Robert until we actually had proof. So we went, the mid-morning of my birthday. We had brunch and headed to the pharmacy. Once we arrived at home, Garrett (Rob’s best friend) creeped in standing at our room door, Robert sitting on the bed and me peeking my head out of the bathroom so that only Robert could see me while they carried on their conversation. I quickly interrupted them and told Robert he needed to come see this.
We loved each other, we love each other, it had been the most beautiful and fulfilling 2 1/2 years together, but even though we had talked about having kids, I think the denial of what could happen with me and what couldn’t was always there making us feel like it couldn’t. Neither of us knew how the other would react, obviously we knew we’d be happy, but for some reason were were both so reserved. Robert came to the restroom, saw the test and his eyebrows went up with the cutest grin on his face. I just looked at him and smiled. We didn’t get crazy, we hugged tightly and sat down. We actually had to ask one another if we were happy and how we felt. Initially it was kind of…lame. HA HA. We were just surprised. That dull feeling disappeared quickly though, we were ecstatic. Robert was stoked and couldn’t wait to tell his friends, although we had to wait. I took another test just to be sure. I cried, it was a miracle, but not really, right? Both tests confirmed, I WAS PREGNANT!!!!
I took a vacation to see my best friend in Oregon, I had a sudden burst of manic energy and drove in the middle of the night from San Jose to Grants Pass, OR. Remember, I had no idea I was pregnant. With the natural hormones of pregnancy, mixed depressed emotions, and manic anxiety I’ve always had…I wanted to break out. These mini escapes were normal for me. Wanting to leave everything behind, cause a scene with my boyfriend, this was by far the biggest breakdown with Robert that I had ever had. Threatening to leave him, move out of state, it was a wild ride – that man has endured so much of me that sometimes I wonder how, but I remember that love trumps all. Our great times have always overpowered any negative bold outbreak I’ve had, that being the most memorable one – other’s were not so memorable, just annoying. It was a regular routine for me to take off for a day or two to recharge. So there I was, in Grants Pass with my best friend. We had an amazing weekend, drinking, shopping, setting up here new little home since she has just moved there shortly before. Something was up though…I just couldn’t keep up. I liked to drink…but I was tired, I couldn’t drink as much as I could before, I’d wake up hungover and just want to sleep all day. I wanted to go to bed early. It was odd, but still I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS PREGNANT. Even with coworkers, or people that I’d never told my story to…telling me I was probably pregnant. It never crossed my mind that it could be true. I was just…feeling ill.
These symptoms mixed with depression/anxiety didn’t make this month any easier. I wasn’t miserable due to being pregnant, I was miserable because I took the symptoms of what I had thought to be the flu, stress, being overwhelmed, to the extreme with my depression. New Years Eve, this was when I knew something was up with me. Again, I liked to drink, to a fault sometimes. We were living with Robert’s friends at the time, house full of boys that liked to invite all of their friends over, believe me they have friends and their friends have friends so it was a party. I liked to party, but these last 2 months…I hated to party. Anyway, I made myself get up and enjoy some shots and jello shots. I didn’t want to spend New Year’s Eve totally alone as Robert was working, plus I had work the next morning…After 2/3 jello shots the toilet called me. I threw them up. Weird I thought…no more drinking. I stopped. That was when I considered…OK I might be pregnant.
I was clear. I was refreshed. The last 2 months had been rough, but the thought of being pregnant, which I was 100% sure of now totally uplifted me. There was a reason for my hiatus, for my hormones, for my emotion, and for my physically feeling ill. Fear had left me. What was I fearful of? That I was loosing myself, that I was going crazy, that after all of these years being OK and overcoming depression to the best I had ever done, suddenly I was depressed, hated my life, hated myself and for no reason at all. That was all gone. I was having a baby and it was the most uplifting, exciting, and emotional day of my life…also my 26th birthday. I was in love with the most amazing man, I was growing a beautiful child, my body was working…nothing could stop me.
It was wild how one test, one visit to the OBGYN to confirm had released me from so much negativity in my life. The thought of becoming a mother just helped me let go. There was no more worry of what others thought of me, I immediately no longer took my job too seriously, I was a workaholic who could just work to the best of my ability without it taking over my mind or my life. I no longer felt uncomfortable with all the weight I had gained in the last few months of being depressed and emotionally locked up. I no longer had any doubt in my relationship, in my ability to maintain a positive relationship. So much anger had left me. I finally felt like the me I had been searching for the last 5 years.
The most freeing part of all of this was finally accepting that all I needed to take care of was myself. That the cliche that you can only love another once you love yourself was absolutely true. It was finally time for me to accept, to love by all definition everything about myself, to change what I was unsatisfied with and to embrace my past journey and my future so that when I met my child I could fully love them without holding anything back.
Its as beauty at it’s finest moment, it was freedom.